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July 22
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Sometimes i say it can't be
because it can't

but sometimes i say it must be
because it must

I must be
Therefore I can't be

Do you ever wonder if the cup you're drinking from has a bottom?
You see it has a pit - rather, a stomach - and how it ends to fit in your palm, but do you ever wonder if you're seeing everything?
It makes sense, to assume it has a bottom and to assume it must be able to be filled and emptied.
But what about the ones that sprung leaks? What about the ones who broke in all the wrong places?
You know what's going to happen to them. Cracking. Trashing.  It's a death sentence, for something that cannot experience death. You must do something about it.
You pitch the worthless cup.

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be be the worthless cup?
Do you think about it daily? Does asking the question, "Am I a worthless cup?" haunt you?
Do you live in fear of that question? Do you live in fear over what you could be? What you can't be? What you must be? Are you ever confused over the difference?

I have to lie to myself. It works. I go on weeks at a time, maybe months, blissfully living an empty life. I'm content with empty, until I ask that question again.

The question hunts me down, attacks everything I've done and makes me fear my own self. My emotions become invalidated. Even as I cry, I know it means nothing, so I cry harder because I'm merely fake. Then I start to argue with myself.
I search through everything. When I find proof, I dispute it. When I find evidence towards the contrary, I deny it.

It goes in circles, and I always come to the same conclusion: Therefore I must be, therefore I can't be. Therefore I can't be, therefore I must be.
Sometimes I merely nibble at myself, amused with the debate going on in my mind. Most of the time, I eat away. Sometimes, I greedily tear chunks away from myself, even from my flesh, and deny all the missing emotions and every single shred of sadness.

No matter how much I chew at a time, I always become tired with the taste. The topic becomes plain, like a medicine that was bland at first, but became increasingly nauseating in it's tastelessness the more you swallowed it. I then have nothing else to do but force the topic away whenever it arises, until I forget.

Eventually, my quest to forget becomes so successful that I force feed myself the same poisonous question yet again because I don't remember why it ever lost it's flavor.
Like a serpent eating it's own tail.

The passage of time makes me a fool.

If you tip me over, I feign unhappiness.
If you fill me up, I feign satisfaction.
If you press the right buttons, I become a doll. You can never play with that doll, it can only play with you. But it can do anything you want it to, until you push that button too hard.

It's a very easy button to press.

If I'm a doll, I'm a heavy one. I'm a burden. I never want you around, and your only purpose would be to protect me.
I'm vulnerable. I only love you when I need to love you.

I wish you well because I think I should wish you well, because I think I need to. Because it's a requirement to being human.
It's never because I feel the need to.

I don't deserve anything.
If you dropped me, I would break easily. Nothing inside. Hallow.
Shallow emotions, shallow life.

Why do I think I'm an useless cup?
What else do you call something you can never fill or empty?
You certainty don't call it human.

You call it manipulative.
You call it fake.
Is this even writing? If it is, it's certainly the bare minimum.



Just a look into one of my many anxieties

i'm just being stupid and venting :v And now I feel better.



Also, you can pretty much ignore the text under this.   lol don't be intimidated by the wall of text you don't have to read.


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

tl;dr  about me. You have a high chance of not caring about what I'm going to talk about (like you probably don't care about the 'writing' above. I'm generally content with the idea that people know I'm bone dry boring and yet I still continue to act like I'm the shit.
Also, I'm not going to lie. I'm going to be as honest as I believe I can be. everything you've been reading is my honest opinion about myself.



let me start out by saying, i do not want your pity. your pity makes me feel worse. so don't. please.

I am mostly content, and often the only time i truly feel sadness or anxiety is when i have to socialize and when the question appears
my self esteem and isolation does not bother me.

here's what really bothers me:




I fear that I am 'synthetic and fake and is unable to realize I'm lying to myself.
That basically, as cliche as it sounds, my whole life is a lie because of what I could be. Not what I could become. That's not the problem. I'm scared of what I might have been all along. What I was born as.

Am I just manipulating everyone into thinking I'm vulnerable so I can get the protection I need? Or is the problem really just a matter of growing up? Do I truly know the definition of the words I think I know? Will I ever experience true affection for another, and consider that other person as truly a person? Am I capable? Am I already doing so?

I never know because I am not connected. I don't think I'll ever know. My inability to relate is causing me suffering because I cannot answer that question. I think the answer would kill me, to be honest.



I often ask myself the question, "Am I real or synthetic?"

I have shallow emotions. I don't feel love to the degree I think I'm supposed to. I can't relate others. I don't feel sadness to the degree I think I'm supposed to.

I feel guilty all the time because of this. I fear myself because I feel like I'm parasitic. I want to love and appreciate the people around me like I feel I'm supposed to but it never really happens.

I force myself to feel something for other's sake. I don't think you're supposed to have to do that.


i don't want to be a empty shell
i want to love people as much as I think i should
i wanna feel as much as i think i should
i wanna feel joy like i think i should
i wanna feel sad like i think i should
i don't want to be jaded or emotionally dulled
i don't want to pity myself and only myself
i want to relate to others


i want the ability to empathize
i want the ability to relate

i hate this empty hallow life
i want to be able to empathize and relate


but really, when I think about it, these desires do not sound like the one's of someone's who's synthetic and fake.
But then again, I'll never really know.

I've researched a little. I've asked questions about fear, about love, about self awareness via internet. I'm scared to look further. What I've seen already scares me. How people regard those who have shallow emotions. How they seem so akin to me.
Yet it confuses me when I see the things that aren't like me at all. I'm so confused.

I don't think I ever want closure because I could never ask the question that plagues me out loud.
I would be considered self diagnosing, stupid, attention seeking. I'm only fearful. Of myself. Of others.

Mostly of others.

Either way, I wish my life wasn't so empty.
Because truthfully, no matter what I am, my emotions are shallow. I will never truly relate or empathize with people to the degree i want to.
I want to be 'normal.' Hell, I would take weird over what I fear I might be.

I would take most anything.


Maybe I'm just self centered. Maybe I'm worse.


Either way, I'm crying. I don't want to be synthetic. I want to be human.
I want to be able to connect with others, to empathize with this, to have affection for them.


I want to truly be able to feel what I'm supposed to when I see things. I want to experience emotions like other's do.
This is not just a case of shutting off emotions. This is not that kind of problem, and I used to think it was and now I don't because i fear it might be more and i'm running awa from the answer.



i don't think i can truly express my inner problems really that well. I probably sound like an idiot or a jerk or an attention whore. so i should probaby stop anyway...




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:iconsunflower1997:
Sunflower1997 Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014
my mouth won't close now.  that was amazing.  wow.
Reply
:iconpinkietane:
PinkieTane Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014
Thank you very much. I'm glad someone liked it ^_^
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