Is this even writing? If it is, it's certainly the bare minimum.
Just a look into one of my many anxieties
i'm just being stupid and venting :v And now I feel better.
Also, you can pretty much ignore the text under this. lol don't be intimidated by the wall of text you don't have to read.
tl;dr about me. You have a high chance of not caring about what I'm going to talk about (like you probably don't care about the 'writing' above. I'm generally content with the idea that people know I'm bone dry boring and yet I still continue to act like I'm the shit.
Also, I'm not going to lie. I'm going to be as honest as I believe I can be. everything you've been reading is my honest opinion about myself.
let me start out by saying, i do not want your pity. your pity makes me feel worse. so don't. please.
I am mostly content, and often the only time i truly feel sadness or anxiety is when i have to socialize and when the question appears
my self esteem and isolation does not bother me.
here's what really bothers me:
I fear that I am 'synthetic and fake and is unable to realize I'm lying to myself. That basically, as cliche as it sounds, my whole life is a lie because of what I could be. Not what I could become. That's not the problem. I'm scared of what I might have been all along. What I was born as.
Am I just manipulating everyone into thinking I'm vulnerable so I can get the protection I need? Or is the problem really just a matter of growing up? Do I truly know the definition of the words I think I know? Will I ever experience true affection for another, and consider that other person as truly a person? Am I capable? Am I already doing so?
I never know because I am not connected. I don't think I'll ever know. My inability to relate is causing me suffering because I cannot answer that question. I think the answer would kill me, to be honest.
I often ask myself the question, "Am I real or synthetic?"
I have shallow emotions. I don't feel love to the degree I think I'm supposed to. I can't relate others. I don't feel sadness to the degree I think I'm supposed to.
I feel guilty all the time because of this. I fear myself because I feel like I'm parasitic. I want to love and appreciate the people around me like I feel I'm supposed to but it never really happens.
I force myself to feel something for other's sake. I don't think you're supposed to have to do that.
i don't want to be a empty shell
i want to love people as much as I think i should
i wanna feel as much as i think i should
i wanna feel joy like i think i should
i wanna feel sad like i think i should
i don't want to be jaded or emotionally dulled
i don't want to pity myself and only myself
i want to relate to others
i want the ability to empathize
i want the ability to relate
i hate this empty hallow life
i want to be able to empathize and relate
but really, when I think about it, these desires do not sound like the one's of someone's who's synthetic and fake.
But then again, I'll never really know.
I've researched a little. I've asked questions about fear, about love, about self awareness via internet. I'm scared to look further. What I've seen already scares me. How people regard those who have shallow emotions. How they seem so akin to me.
Yet it confuses me when I see the things that aren't like me at all. I'm so confused.
I don't think I ever want closure because I could never ask the question that plagues me out loud.
I would be considered self diagnosing, stupid, attention seeking. I'm only fearful. Of myself. Of others.
Mostly of others.
Either way, I wish my life wasn't so empty.
Because truthfully, no matter what I am, my emotions are shallow. I will never truly relate or empathize with people to the degree i want to.
I want to be 'normal.' Hell, I would take weird over what I fear I might be.
I would take most anything.
Maybe I'm just self centered. Maybe I'm worse.
Either way, I'm crying. I don't want to be synthetic. I want to be human.
I want to be able to connect with others, to empathize with this, to have affection for them.
I want to truly be able to feel what I'm supposed to when I see things. I want to experience emotions like other's do.
This is not just a case of shutting off emotions. This is not that kind of problem, and I used to think it was and now I don't because i fear it might be more and i'm running awa from the answer.
i don't think i can truly express my inner problems really that well. I probably sound like an idiot or a jerk or an attention whore. so i should probaby stop anyway...